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ANECDOTES 



A N L) S- 



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AVir.T.iA>i \v. fki:sii\vvti:r. 




It iiifitlei.s not li'ivv luufli you innkc, 
Whi'H yuii '^i.'\ "1(1 liixl liave ni) stakf: 
Hetter save and put avwiy, 
A iillK' for a rainy day; 
l^el.Ler'stint whilf yoniij;- and strong;-. 
And save up some as you pr-') "lon<2; 
l^ife'snot well played "ii I his 'Id stiiye, 
When poverty grows on with iif^e. 




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"i~i"rrri"rr 



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"POEMS, AUECPJOTES 



AND- 



^^fC) U(|ifT5> 



1 1 



VOLUME I. 



-^^OCoPzesHECEXVE. 



LJbrary of Coijgpot^ 

^AM 1 5 1900 

Begf«ter of Copyrfgi^j^ 



NOV 5 1900 



PREFAC'K. 

We offer to the public our little book of "Poems, 
Anecdotes and Stories," selected from our MSS, 
which fairly representsour different kinds of com- 
position . We hope our little ]>ioneer will please 
the fun-loving-, and satisfy the sentimental. 

Our works will be issued in hve small volumes, 
published about three months apart. We have 
tried to sprinkle a few flowers — plant a few lig-hts, 
and create a tew smiles and laug-hs for men as 
they journey throug-h life. 

Till': Ai'THOK. 



PRICES. 

One copy 20 cts. 

Six copies $1.00 

One-cent postag-e stamps will 
be accepted to the amount of 20c. 

Largfer orders ma}' be accom- 
panied by P . O. order, Kxpress 
order, or draft. 

Liberal terms to dealers. 
Address all orders to 

W. W. FRESHWATER, 
Benton, Franklin Co.. 111. 

ItWWrite yonr address plainly, g-iving- 
P. O., county and state. 



"POEMS, AJ^EC(bOTES 



AND- 



STO^IES. 



CALL OF THE MUSE. 
O thou my Muse, come at my call! 
Whither thou art if thou shouldst fall. 
From a darklintr star, or the silvery moon. 
Or a comet that flames at nijifht's hi^-h noon; 
Or a purple and fiery planet near, 
Or the blazing- sun in a sunset skv. 
Or a fallino- star from a home on hii^h. 
C'ome if you please on a zephvrus breeze, 
Come from your home in the deep ether seas; 



POKMS, AnRCDOTES AND StORIES. 

Oil my harp with aurora fire, 

And g-ive it g"reat wing's that never tire; 

Give me a bow of bright red lightning. 
Shape it up so it is easy of tig-htenini^-. 
And loosening, then it will do. 
To sound o'er the earth, and up in the blue. 
The boundless and endless g-reat ocean 

of stars, 
With planets and moons, grand planets 

with bars. 
Then let me sit on the white milky-way. 
And play oo my harp all night and all day; 
Until my loud song echoes from the rim 
Of the universe a consonant hymn, 
Sung" for a time of six-thousand years. 
By angels and men and musical spheres. 

If you love my muse, caress her; 

If 3^ou'do not, don't depress her. 

ANSWER OF THE MUSE. 

I came at your call from the Pleiades; 
I came on the wing's of an eastern breeze; 
I came in a flame from ray distant home, 
I came by the way of your starry dome. 
I saw to my right in the distance afar, 
A gorgeous, beautiful long trained star. 



POKMS, AXECDO TES AND StORIES. 



Brig-ht meteors latticed my untrod way, 
And I passed by stars of a purple ray. 
I stopped by your sun, that o-rand burning- 
world, 
Most brilliant of all, his banners unfurled. 
His banners of li^-ht in cloud-like form, 
Great oceans of clouds by tempests torn. 
Hooked in his caverns and each g^reat abyss. 
Shot long- forked flames with a terrible hiss, 
Great white flames that g-limmcred and rose. 
And set off each cavern like leaves on a rose; 
I then moved about in a zig-zag- wav, 
AviMding- darkness and seekingf dav. 
Then flew along- !)v the zodiac, 
And carried my kevs in a g-olden sack; 
The first is a diamond, 'tis kept to unlock 
The poor human heart, and invoice its stock; 
And then I have keys, a thousand or more, 
Tounl«)ck the cells where du'ell tlie best 

store. 
There's music, sweet music the heart of all 

thing-s, 
Howg-ently it rides on the wind's g-en tie wing-sl 
And yet oftitflows from its fountain unheard. 
And dies uncaresssed like a beautiful bird; 



Poi'.MS AnI'.cdotks and Stokii:s. 



Like a beautiful bird in a deep forest wild, 
In its dear mother's arms, the beautiful child. 
I'll sit by your side in my majjfnetic chair, 
And paint up the cloudlets that ride in the air, 
Andplaitupthe lig-htning-, and ofttouch the key, 
To the heart of all beauties on land and on sea; 
The forces that playfully travel throug-h earth, 
And other g-reat forces that somewhere find birth, 
Away on beyond the borders of mind, 
We know they are with us,and3'et we are blind. 
I'm ready now with harp and lyre; 
I'm ready with maiinetic tire. 



Poems, Aniccdotks and Stokh-^s. 



THE CYCL3NE. 



Our home was in a prairie wide. 
Our happiness was centered there. 

Our building-s on a <j-reen divide — 
We reared them on the prairie bare. 

Our maple trees were in full leaf. 
Our house was painted snowy white; 

The barn in red and white relief. 
And all was on a pretty site. 

Our orchard trees were lar.iJfe and fine. 
Red apple, peach, blue plum and pear 

Selected best, each in its line. 

And many other fruits quite rare. 

The hedg-es held in long- g-reen arms 
Our squares of land, 'twas very fair; 

The yard had many flower charms, 
By my wife's loving hands put there. 



POKMS, AnIOCDOTICS AND SxORIKS. 

A stalwart niDrninu'-iJflorv vine, 

Was starting up, and o'er the dotn- 

To bloom, the lattice work entwine, 
As it had done in years before. 

'Twas only a few days ajj;-o. 

We heard the deep-toned thunder roll, 
And saw the lig-htning- flame and g-low 

Athwart the skv from pole to pi»le. 

I felt the weakness of a child 

In finding- words to speak — to name — 
The watery elements were so wild, 

And blackest darkness went and came. 

At intervals of light, could see. 

The angr}' clouds swing to and fro; 

We counseled, was it best to flee, 
But knew of no safe place t»> go. 

Its color was a greenish blue: 

The sullen, deepening, avvful roar. 

Loud and louder nearer drew — 
Nearer, deadlier than before. 

We saw not far a funnel cloud. 

Whose end was dragging on the earth, 



PoicMS, AnI'Xdotks and Stokikp. 



uprooting- forest monarcbs proud, 
And leaviny in its path a deartli. 

Electric meteors shot across 
And all around, and left a trail 

Of coiling- smoke, electric dross, 

Wild twisted by the whirling- g-ale. 

Extremes of power centered there. 
Forces and elements combined — 

"Twas electricity and air, 

By some mysterious power confined. 

The seething funnel roared so loud, 
Sullen like a storm-tossed sea. 

l^hrough a groye of poplars proud, 
I^eaying- not a sig-nal tree. 

On and on it nearer drew. 

Leaving naught the land tt* grace; 
The fitful winds increasinyf blew, 

In there (Miward hurried race. 

Our little boys were fast asleep. 

The tears rose in my wife's sad eyes. 

We prayed that it would o'er us leap. 
And spend its venom in tlu- skies. 



PoKMS Anecdotes and Stori1';s. 



A sudden shock, and all was o'er; 

Our home was g"one, my loving- wile. 
The jewel of my bosom sore, 

Was ushered wildly from this life. 

The wild cyclone swept by in ire, 
Its arms extending" to the sky; 

Its center seemed to be on fire, 

Dark, swing-ing- from a hing-e on hig-h. 

My little children, too are dead; 

When found they were as cold as clay 
All mang-led was the elder's head, 

And neither found till break of day. 

Away off in a lonely wood, 

The}' were tog-ether, yet apart; 

All around and o'er them stood 
All Nature with a broken heart. 

A mass of ruins scattered lay; 

Leafless and branchless are the trees. 
I have no home, I cannot stay 

Where once was joy on every breeze. 

And now I'm left alone, and now 
I see the dreadful path, and there 

My hopes are buried; sad is my brow — 
I have no home, none anvwhere. 



PoKMs, Anecdotks and Storiks. 



THE ARKANSAW SOW 

There lived in Missouri an old black sow, 
Who was notorious for usino- her plow; 
Had long- stiff bristles from foretop to tail, 
That arose with a wrath like a West India gale; 

A long- coat of hair and a mighty long tail. 
That she walloped about like a farmer a flail; 
A long- slender snout, stong- teeth of g-reat size, 
Down deep in their sockets two devilish eyes. 

She lived a life lonely in Croked Creek woods. 
Partaking of acorns and other fine goods, 
And oft killed a fox-hound in putting- in time, 
And said by her actions: "This forest is mine." 

A many a bad boy she chased up a tree. 
And figured in many a hogish spree. 
She's large and bony and of g-reat strength, 
And when in a battle she went lull leng-th. 



10 PoiCMS, Ankcdotks and Stokiks. 



She raised a fine brood now and then with g-reat care, 
And then was as mean as a hung-ry old bear; 
With hair all turned forward she'd g-o for a cow, 
And scare her in spasms, or have a big- row. 

She was with wild courag-e crammed every inch full, 
Often would tackle a roving- old bull. 
And tear up his legs in a terrible way, 
Compel him to travel, to just prance away. 

She lived independent and was nobodj^'s sow, 
Around her her people is all she'd allow; 
When each brood ot children g-rew up to be shoats, 
She pushed them from shore without any boats. 

She kept the whole country disturbed and in fear, 
Lest she mig-ht waylay their children so dear, 
Or that some woman might look on that swine. 
And faint and fall over and g-et out of line. 

When neig-hborly women went out for a talk. 
When young- men with sweethearts went out for 

a walk, 
I^o theme could they handle that seemed to 

please all. 
As that ranting old black sow so mean and so tall. 



4 



Poi:ms, Aniccdotics and Stories. 11 



The sweet little children looked, watched for 

that sow, 
Silvered old farmers watched both stern and prow; 

Strang-ers when cautioned would peer all around, 
And start in a frig-ht at an}' rough sound. 

The neighbor men g^atheredone cold rain}' day, 
And passed resolutions they'd send her away. 
For many a fine brute she crippled and tore, 
And many g-ood beasts returned nevermore. 

They g-athered the dogs of the neighborhood in. 
And then there was yelling — a horrible din. 
They raced her and chased her, and hollowed and 

swore. 
And tore throug-h the woods with a mighty uproar. 

Then came from the prairies with banners unfurled. 
With music and cannon they practiced and 

whirled, 
And joined the sow army and helped in the race, 
Until the whole country turned blue in the face. 

The housetops were weighted with women and 

girls. 
Who watched the great army in itsmig-hty whirls. 
And forests were loaded with boys in their boughs. 
Who ofrunted and snorted like thousands of sows. 



12 PoicMs, Anfxdotes and Storiks. 



An amry ol' thousands was hoi wing- around, 
No mortal e'er heard such an unearthly sound, 
They trampled old earth until it was bare, 
Each wanted a relic, a bunch of l)lack hair. 

She moved in great circles and plowed up the 

ground. 
Now and then tore up a bawling old hound; 
Loudly she snorted with tail high in air. 
With mouth stretched wide open and teeth full 

of hair. 

A long- dreary fortnight they chased that old hog. 
O'er farmlet and valley, through woodland and bog-. 
Until the whole people was houndless and mad, 
And racers and chasers looked g-loom}' and bad; 

Then theorized, planned, and discussed o'er 

and o'er. 
Unraveled and raveled from center to core; 
With sleeves rolled to shoulders, with axes and 

spades. 
They dug ya\\ning pitfalls and built barricades. 

A reg-iment was picked on who g-ave the best yells, 
To run her and round her with toot horns and 
bells. 



POICMS, AnICCDO'IICS and S'lOKIlCS. !.> 

The rest of the thousands found places and hid, 
From the stalwart old hunter, to little male kid. 

Thev then went to lyrrabbiny-, and each s^-ot some 

hair, 
Until the old sow was entirely bare; 
Not even a hair on her body was left. 
Not even a place on her touo-h hide was cleft. 

She thoug-ht it all over and wisel}' concluded, 
"Bleak winter is coming- and I've been denuded, 
As nothing- is binding- in nature or law, 
I'll move out by moonlig-ht for old Arkansaw." 

Her snout was her compass, her tail was her helm, 
As swiftly she trotted toward her new realm. 
Undaunted, unhalted, by wild beast or mire. 
With ears standing- uprig-ht. and eyes full of lire. 

The panthers bowed low and gave full right of way. 
Old bruin looked sullen, had nothing- to say; 
Each small fig-hting- felis took to a near tree, 
And let her pass onward entirely free. 

Sh? stopped in a country filled full of g-ood things; 
Oft sits on her haunches and merrily sings; 
Selected a dwelling- — admirable hut — 
Alarg-e ag-ed elm spread out at the butt. 



14 PoKMS, Anecdotks and Storiks. 

Ah! now she is happy, well pleased with her lot, 
With acorns and roots, at the top of the pot; 
Her hair n'er g-rew out, she is naked and bare 
As the palm of my hand which shows not a hair. 

In Big- Bend they'r lonely, they seem to be lost; 
On one only query they seem to be tossed. 
Ah! this is the question that's rag^ing- till now: 
"Have you seen anything- of the naked old sow?'' 

They imported bloodhounds, and smelt o'er the 

land; 
Held meeting-s, had music from Cooked Creek's 

band; 

They searched through the woodland, o'er valley 

and lea, 
The opossum tailed bare sow ne'er did thev see. 

When neighbor met hunter, they asked with sad 

brow, 
"Have you seen in your huntings, the hairless old 

sow?" 
Small children sought strang-ers, "Please tell us 

rig-ht now. 
Did vou see comintj over the wicked old sow?" 



Poi:ms, AnI'Xdotics and Storii:s. 



Yc statesmen, sweet singers, and noted great 

rhymers; 
Ye farmers, inventors, droll punsters, old timers. 
In closing- my story, this question allow: 
"Have you seen in your rambles that Arkansaw 

Sow?" 



FAREWELL. 

An hour's time, you I will tell, 
Perchance, a long, a last farewell. 
Our love is sweet when we first part, 
But time and space make cold the heart. 



16 POKMS, AnI-XDOTICS AND StORIES- 

And then our weary eyes will shed, 
Grieved tears o'er our love that's dead; 
Dead as a lasting- unity. 
Dead as to what it ought to be. 

The spark that kindles in a flame. 
My soul asks will it stay the same. 
May it not droop and fade away, 
That burns so sweetly this fair day. 

My heart throbs with a brother's love. 
The tie that binds is from above, 
So sweet, so near, so g^ood, I know, 
You'll not forg-et me when you ^o, 
Out in the world, in a new life, 
A helpmate, partner, matron, wife; 
O, will a mote in your heart burn. 
You cannot stifle, cannot spurn. 

How cruel that the things that be, 
Hath placed us on life's stormy sea, 
To battle with the foam-capped waves. 
And be forg-etf li1 to our graves. 

True marriag-es are made above. 
Their seal is unabated love. 
If we depend on earthly thing-s, 
Our happiness will soon take wing-s; 



POKMS AnICCDOTICS AND StOKIKS- 17 



I feel that Heaven has had a voice, 
In givinu- you a noble choice. 

When love is bartered, auctioned, sold. 

For place, or rank, or lust, or g-old, 

All happiness is left behind, 

We hang- on fate's wheels but to g-rind. 

We may have trains of pretty days. 

Yet all our life is but a maze; 

We may rise hig-h in rank or state, 

Yet years will on us harshly grate. 

The clouds that bury all our hopes, 
Will hang- around like hang-men's ropes. 
So dreadful for to look upon. 
And blur the brightness of life's sun, 
And only set when we are done. 
When we wind up our pilgrimage, 
And leave our troubles with the age. 

Dear sister, in this world of care, 

The sailing's g-ood with weather fair. 

But fogs, and mists, will hover o'er. 

As in all time that's gone before. 

But keep your lamps all trimmed to burn, 

Bread cast on waters will return. 



18 PoKMS, Ankcdotks and Stories. 



The thorns will gfather in our way, 
Our flowers wither, blast, decay. 
And you, my dear, will shortly fade; 
Not long- your life-bloom will parade, 
A lovely face, a noble form, 
And you will sink amidst the storm; 
rU wither on the stalk away. 
And join the elements in clay. 




THE PRINCE OF BUGS. 



There is a buof, all know his name. 

In every clime he is the same; 

He crawls around in dead of night. 

Is always hunting for a bite; 

He wears a spear rig-ht on his nose, 

And trots around under the clothes. 



POKMS, AnI'XDOTKS AND StOKIES. 19 

Where many live, they fight and jaw, 
And whoop and yell with loud hurrah. 
Dance all around, tickle the feet. 
And laug-h and g"ig"g"le when they meet; 
Run races up the spine and pant, 
And o'er dull careworn faces rant. 

They sleep of days, they hate the light, 
And save their strength to roam at night; 
The}' seem to have great fear of death. 
And run till they get out of breath. 
Scamper and dodge and go pell mell. 
But never lose their sickening smell. 
When danger moves along their way, 
They hide to bite some other day. 

Where thousands are there is no sleep. 
Their vile attacks they oft repeat. 
Then flank and come up in the rear. 
Charge bayonets, ah! th-^n a tear 
Crawls out the sleepless tired eye. 
And then the victim gives a sigh, 
Groans loudly, scratches, rolls about. 
Curses the brutes and yells right out. 

Of all the bugs he is the prince. 

We'll name him now, and call him Chintz. 



20 PoExMS, Anecdotes and Stories. 



FARM HOME. 

Call the horses, John, now stir; 

Martha, wake up Lou and Kate; 

The cows are restless, g-etting- late; 
Bars are falling-. "Quope! Quope! Quope!" 

The horses up each in his stall, 
The g"irls are out among- the cows, 
And they are having boisterous rows, 

"So, Pide! so, Fide! so o o! sol" 

I hear the horses chewing- corn; 
I hear the warm milk pouring- in, 
The wide-mouthed buckets made of tin; 

With now and then a louder "So.'" 



PoKMs Anecdotes and Stories. 21 



Off from the crib the father g-oes, 
With basket filled with yellow corn. 
Deprived of husks all nicely shorn, 

And then with husky voice, "Pio--e!" 

The yellow semicircles fall; 
The larjre fat hog-s start on their rounds. 
Are shaking- cff their dusty g-owns. 

With now and then a sudden squeal. 

The wife or matron moves the pots. 
Then presently is heard by all. 
The pleasant anxious breakfast call, 

To a table larg-e, well stored. 

The larg-ew ash pans begin to ring-. 

Washing-, drying^, fixing- hair, 

Men and buxom ladies fair, 
Move to their places 'round the board. 

All bow their heads in reverence; 

None smile or play their wily pranks, 
While father offers up his thanks, 

To God, the g-iver of all g-ood. 

Are handed coffee, tea, and milk; 

Table ware moves to and fro; 

All are chatting, eating- slow, 
One by one they rise, depart. 



22 Poems, Anecdotes and Stories. 

Dudish roosters strut around; 

The hens are cackling- in the mows; 

Are turned to pasture all the cows, 
-cVnd g-ears are rattling- toward the field. 

All are busy at their work; 

Spring- fruit is g-oing- in the cans; 

While dishes rustle in the pans. 
Sweet g-usts of laug-hter spice the din. 

The chatting- of the guinea fowl; 

The calling of the turkey hen; 

Thumping-, thump on org-an, then 
A song- is breathed upon the air. 

The beds are shook and beat about. 
The covers are all neatly spread. 
And pillows placed up at the head. 

In all the rooms above, below. 

With broom in hand, movirg- chairs. 
And swing-ing- of the many doors, 
Sweeping-, cleaning- all the floors. 

Then dusting and the work is done. 

I hear the sing-ing of wild birds; 
The leaves of bloom like snow flakes ride, 
Are coming- down on every side. 

Gem setting off the trreen. 



Poi:i\is AniccdotEvS and Stokiics. 

Out o'er the verdure may be seen, 
An ocean long- of dew drop stars. 
Shooting- forth their silver bars, 

And streams of sparkiinji- threads. 

Green g-rass is springing- from the earth. 
Many nestling pretty flowers. 
Beautified by mellow showes, 

BoW' and sweeten wavelet air. 

The g-irls are sweeping in the yard. 

Singing-, moving- all the while. 

Working- up an earthen pile, 
Ornamenting with sea shells. 

I hear a buzz, sweet sound to me; 
Ah! 'tis the old time spinning wheel , 
It wings mc back and makes me feel, 

The feeling^s of the long- ag-o. 

I love a home with heart and song-; 
Home is the hub on which we turn. 
There let affection springy and burn; 

Sweet Home! Sweet Home! Sweet Home! 



24 Poems, Ankcdotes and Stories. 



SHORTY'S STORY OF HIS WEDDING TOUR, 



I am not g-oing- to g-ive bond in a thousand or 
twofor Shorty's stories, althoug-h I will g-ive 
them verbatum. 

"Well, Ned, I'll tell you, when I was married 
what I did and where Kit and I went. We jumped 
on the cars at Dog- Bend station. Kit is limber and 
so am I; when I say jumped, I mean what I say; 
Kit did actually leap on the platform of the cars; I 
followed. We determined to g-o to Oconee, for ^ 
had always heard that it was a resort for peopk 
who wanted to travel; I had just $5.15, and about 
thirty miles to g-o. As we sat in the cars, in our 
best clothes, everybody was looking- at us; I am 
sure they said to themselves, 'there is a bride and 
g-room,' and they were not mistaken, for we were 
the loving-est couple that ever traveled on this side 
of Prince Edwards Island. We hug-g-ed each other 



Poi:ms Anecdotes and Stokiics. 25 



like yoiin^- bears, and kissed at a very low estimate 
four or five hundred times; you mav think that I 
exa<^erate. but Kit will swear to it. Kit is a wom- 
an's rights woman; she knows it is true;she has a 
large Roman nose-romantic. IMiere was nothing 
going on worth mentioning except the conduct- 
or punching tickets and pushing the loose change 
down in his pockets. He wore many smih's when 
he came to us, and seemed to want to say something, 
but he didn't. 

We landed in that ancient cilv of no tht)usand 
inhabitants, put up at Snobble's Hotel and passed 
the hours as new married people do. Alter while 
Mrs. Snobbles notified us that supper was ready. 
We sat down at the table by ourselves. Ahl the 
scene that then followed. There was a checkered 
cover on the table, laid off just like a checker-board 
(beautiful lari^-e Vil)c\'s^ and we both have a liking 
for the game. 

'"Shorty, let's hnve a game," said Xit. 

"Alright," said I. 

I made the first move and with my cup of coffee 

jumped the meat dish. Kit jumped a dish of 
prunes with a plate of biscuits. I jumped the rice 



26 Poems, Anecdotes and Stories. 



with a dish of cabba.^-e and ^^pilled a pint of juice. 
Kit took up the meat dish and jumped my bowl of 
soup, and spilled nearly all the j^ravy. I then made 
a long- jump \^ith my bowl of soup, over a custard- 
pie and a dish of preserves. Kit jumped the butter 
with the prunes and left a red line of syrup two 
feet long. I jumped the potatoes*\vith the butter. 
Kit took hold of the coffee boiler and made five 
jumps, from one side of the table to the other, and 
landed; the last one was over a large jelly-cake, and 
let the boiler fall, knocking everything down in its 
course. About a quart of its hot contents poured 
down on my limbs. I jumped up and down until 
I had the table on its back; the dishes smashed, 
rattled and rolled over the floor. The meat, rice, 
hominy, sugar, custard-pies, beef-soup, etc., were 
lying around in a heterogeneous mass; and Kit had 
staggered and rolled over to the northwest corner 
of the room, kicking up her heels and hollowing, 
"Save the pieces." 

The landlady came rushing in vvith loud excla- 
mations. "Heavens and earth! the Virgin Marvl 
Tim O' Flanagan! the Holy St. Peter!" And ran 
at me with the fire shovel to pound off my head. I 



Poi-::\is AxiXDOTics and Stowiics. 



Zi 



jumped out throug-h an open window and ran for 
the woods; Kit, in o^rcat afriu:ln. jumiKHl thniiivi'li 
another and followed. 

The lord set sail after mc. 

The lady after Kit; 
The fact is I was forced to tree. 

And Kitty had a fit. 

They bayed me as hounds doacoon, and hurled 
a few epithets, ananthemas and well rounded swear 
words at me, and looked sideways at Kit, who was 
lying- on lu-r back with her mouth wide ^)pen. 

I used soft words, and reasoned told them I 
was worth about S12.<><M>, and settled by giving my 
note for S25>.0(), due one week after death, but 
read it one week after dat^'. 

Kit told mc, confidently, that slic \\;is acting- 
the opossum. 

I never paid that note." 




28 Poems, Anecdotes and Stories. 



THE HERMIT. 

In Italy a Hermit lived, 

He lived upon a mountain side, 

Not far below a green divide. 

He owned a wTiite-eared yellow 

dog; 
A little cabin home he built. 
And patched it like a crazy-quilt. 

He loved the mountain scenes 

and lived 
Alone within his mountain park. 
As happy as a meadow lark. 

His eyes were crossed, his hair 

was long-. 
He hummed a queer and ancient 

song, 
That had no ups, no downs, no 

prong. 

With implements a few he made 
A path he called his mountain 

slide. 
That he of days and nights might 

ride. 



PoicMS Ankcdotios and SrouiKS. 2') 



Near all the exercise he lotiK", 
On his red sled so fii-in astride. 
Was sliding- down his iiKiunlain 
slide. 

Or lishinii i'l <'i narrow brtioU'. 
A little distance to one side, 
Wherene'er a 1;sh e'er lived or 
died. 

lie talK'ed in Spanish to himself, 
And li\ed on fruits driod and un- 

dried, 
xVnd buckwheat pancakes llativ 

fried. 

For man V viars that p( (.rold s(.ul. 
Defied the world and all beside. 
And then ua\c uj) the yhost. and 
died. 

That yellow doo- with snow-white 

ears, 
TTowled and re-howled t(.r two 

lonjj" years. 
Then sank' in death in sij^-hs and 

tears. 



30 Poems, Anecdotes and Stories. 



THE FAIRY WEDDING. 



Within an oval moundlet, 
Close to a meadow green, 

There lived a handsome fair}' — 
A little elfin queen. 

She was a dazzling- fairy queen, 
And sparkling- was her wear; 

Her dress was set with topaz. 
And wove of silver hair, 

A string of sapphires 'round her 
neck. 

Pale blue but clear as snow; 
A brilliant ruby from each wing. 

Vibrating to and fro. 

A ringlet made of emeralds, 
That circled 'round her waist; 

A modest queenly queen was she. 
So innocent and chaste. 

She wore a tiny bonnet. 

Made of fine threads of gold; 

She also had a sonnet, 

She breathed aloud quite bold. 

Her cheeks were like the peach 
bloom. 
That smilewhere'er thev blow; 



Poems Anecdotes and Stories. 31 



Her teeth were each a pearl set, 
Her eves a dreamy jjflow, 

And of the sweetest sky blue, 
Shaded by auburn brow; 

Eyelashes tinjjfed with violet, 
No lanj^-uaufe can tell how. 

In summer days her company, 
Was humming- birds so rare. 

From tropic lands so beautiful, 
Britfht jewels of the air. 

At niicht a swarm of tire-Hies. 

Recircled 'round her throne, 
And then the pretty fairy queen, 

Was left to muse alone. 

One day a handsome fairy KiuiJ;, 

From a far fairy land. 
Came on to see the fairy queen. 

And offer her his hand. 

She told the kinjjf so loving^ly. 
She loved him from first si^ht. 

And she would very williuLjfly, 
Wed him the coming;- niyht. 

Thenifchtcameon, a mij^hty host, 
From all the fairv lands. 



Poems, Anecdotjcs and Stokiics. 



AUg-ayly dressed in brilliant r()l)es 
With presents in their hands, 

Eneireled 'round that little 
mound, 

And lit upon the y-i-een. 
And did great honors to the Icing-, 

And to the lovelv queen. 

A finely drt-ssed, lon«4- honored 
sag-e, 

vSaid ceremon}' o'er. 
Then like a flash he disapi)eared. 

Was seen or heard no more. 

^^he jubilee beg-an, went on. 
Until the clock struck lour, 

And kept the heavens ringings, 
With fairy-land's sweet lore. 

The hostsof fairiesall went home. 
The king-and queen their store, 

They loaded on a fair\ ship, 
And left this mundane shore. 

'J^he moundlet now is wra])t in 
gloom, 
The jewels of the air. 
Have g-one down south, the iivc- 
flies. 
Are now in dire despair. 



PoioMs Ankcdotks and Stokucs. 33 



A TALK WITH U,\I:lE SAVI 

Now, Uucle Sam, let's talk awhile, 
The greatest thing- that's now on file. 
Are those fair Isles away down south. 
The finest that are talked by mouth; 
The Dewey land, the Merritt Isles, 
Are worth a thousand golden piles. 
Give back to Spain the Philippines! 
Give back her trees, her fruits, her vinos! 
Give back and let her plant her woe! 
Brave Dewey's guns said, no! no! no! 

Now Uncle, what about our bovs, 

That left their own and sweet home joys? 

Their blood they shed, what for. what for 

And shared the fate of cruel war. 

Let's sum u]) now without recoil. 

And not up an inch of soil. 

Just think a moment on the Maine. 

Of our loss of brawn and brain. 

Oreat Sampson's cannon answered, no! 

And Shaffer's thundered, Spain must g-o. 



34 Poems Ani<:cdotes and Stories. 

Now Uncle, don't you think it rig'ht, 

To hold and keep all with our might, 

That we have won with blood and sword? 

No, Uncle, we can not afford, 

To let those Isles g-o back to Spain; 

Ah! it would be on us a stain, 

'Twould g-iveour patriot hearts g-reat pain; 

Old Glory waves on hig-h refrain. 

Yes, let her always float above. 

And keep those Isles for God and love. 

Millions of money is the cost. 
Our time and energ-y are lost; 
It's true our veins have flowed no flood, 
It isenoug-h, we've shed our blood. 
Let talk our g^raves on sea and land; 
Let's take a humane, God-like stand. 
All o'er those Isles each native heart, 
Tells all the world Spain must depart; 
Just tell old Spain that she must pass: 
Let love and charity say Yes! 

King- William's talking loud and long-, 

He'd like to sing- his little song-; 

Is using diplomatic spice, 

To g-et a larg-e, well buttered slice; 

But we will keep high up in place. 



Poems Anfcdotes and Stokiks. 

Backed by the Ang-lo-Saxon race, 

Old Glory; let her wav^in*^ 'be 

A sig-nal sig"n of liberty; 

And as she blends with skies above, 

Let Filipinos learn to love. 

Dear Uncle Sam, the task is g-reat. 

You wield with power the helm of State; 

Hold fast to every claim on tile, 

Kach drop of blood is worth an isle. 

Prog"ression, heart, humanity. 

And natives asking- to be free; 

Let not a cog in the great wheel. 

Go back upon the world's appeal; 

But let the outcome of this strife, 

Be for those Isles a better life. 

And when all thing-s are rounded up. 
And Cuba's passed the bitter;jcup. 
And Porto Rico's vine clad hills, 
Have cast aside Spain's bitter pills. 
Then all over the Philippines, 
Be better days and brig-hter scenes. 
And Spain be banished from her shores. 
And freedom blend and g-row her stores; 
Oh! may they g-et a true divorce, 
And on, and upward be their course. 



36 Poems, Anecdotes and Stories. 



THE HONEYMOON. 

The honeymoon, O what a boon 

To lovers here below; 
So fair a sig-ht, both day and nig-ht. 

They sweetest love bestow. 

The honeymoon is g"one too soon 

To many here below; 
They soon seem old, their love 

turns cold, 
As they each other know. 

The honeymoon comes none too 
soon 
To many here below; 
They still stay warm in ever}- 
storm, 
As years come on and gx). 

The honeymoon, the silver spoon, 

Are often but a show; 
They both turn smart, and g-et 
apart, 

As all g"ood people know. 



PoKMs Anecdotes and Stories. 

The honeymoon, at life 'shig-h 
noon, 

Is often just the same; 

Ateventide, they'residebyside, 
In heart and soul and name. 

A happy life, for man and wife, 
Whojourney hand in hand; 

Their place awaits beyond the 
grates, 
In the fair happy land. 



37 



38 PoKMs Ankcdotes and Stokiks. 



THE LEANLY FAMILY. 



Between two mounts in the Ozarks, 
Amono- a group of mountain parks, 
There lived a noted family, 
A hairless people all ag-ree. 

They moved in there in forty one. 
And then and there they first beg-un; 
They built a cabin, cleared a patch. 
And there their hens began to scratch. 

And there line corn beg-an to grow. 
And there their cocks beg-an to crow; 
Lambs in the thicket learned to bleat, 
And ducks and g-eese began to mate. 

The lettuce in the garden grew. 
And radishes quite long- and blue; 
Peas, onions, cabbag-e, melons, beets, 
In growing showed some wondrous feats. 



J^O^^MS^^^KCDOTKS AND StORI.CS. 

Out in the bush the Old COW bawled; 
Out in the woods the turkeys called- 
There nightly Watch was heard to howl 
And ni-htly hootinu-oftheowl. 
And many other sounds and scenes 

Were added to their early means; 
And then a leng-thy boy was born', 
Without a hair, all shaved and shorn. 

Old time went on, and on, and then 
A g-irl came to them, long- and thin; 
As long- as brother, lean but fair. 
And like him came without a hair. 

They grew to man and womanhood. 
While living- in that lonely wood. 
Their neig-hbors came and stood and stared 
And asked why they had never haired. 

The old man said, "I'm six feet four, 
I turn the scales in pounds four-score, 
And Mrs. Leanly's six feet tall. 
And weio^hs but fifty clothes and all. 

We've lived along- and been well fed, 
And each has an old hairless head; ' 
No brows or lashes ever g-rew. 
To us 'tis old. to you 'tis new. 



40 Poems Anecdotes and Stokies. 

My Finder is a graceful boy, 
His mother's pride, his father's joy; 
He is in length just six feet eig'ht, 
And weig-hs but ninety, very straig"ht. 

Tassel, on whom we all doth dote, 
Sing-s sonnets from a cultured throat; 
And weig-hs but sixty, six feet hig-h. 
With eyes as blue and soft as sky. 

To sum all up, we are all bald, 
As clean as if we'd had a scald; 
Yet in these wilds we are all free, 
As happy as you ever see. 

'Tis not the panoply of wealth, 
'Tis not the active blood of health, 
That makes us happy; not the bovvl; 
But all is bloominsf from the soul," 




PoKMS Anlxdotes and Stohiks. 41 



THE EAVESDROPPER 

Oh! Powers unseen, do furnish a stopper, 
To stop up the ears of the sly eavesdropper, 
Who stand and listen and listen and pi\V, 
With curious expression of countenance and eye. 

The meanest of all the contemptably mean, 
The meanest biped I have ever seen; 
Oh! Powers unseen, do furnish a stopper. 
To stop up the ears of the sly eavesdropper. 

Who hang- around at the cracks in the door, 
Or lie stretched out with ears to the floor; 
For raisings lie crops he is a sure cropper; 
Do stop up the ears of the tattling- eavesdropper. 

He catches a little, and builds up the rest, 
Like a long- leg-g-ed pelican building- its nest; 
A virulent sneak; O, g-ive us a stopper, 
To stop up the ears of the meddling- eavesdropper. 

Hid in a closet, or up in a garret, 
Crawling^ a round like a hung-ry old ferret, 
Peeping- and listening; a club's the best stoppc! . 
For the meddlesome, tattling-, trifling- eaves- 
dropper. 



POKMS AnKCDOTKS AND StOKIES. 



PETER HAGLE. 

Peter was an honest youth, 

And he always told the truth; 

An aunt left him a small estate, 

That warped his mind, and shaped his fate. 

He learned to stay out late at nig-ht, 

Playing- cards, and getting- tight; 

Then he married Sallie Rand, 

Good hearted, kind, and always bland. 

Peter was so tired born. 

And he slept quite late each morn; 

He lost an eye in a street fig"ht, 

The other one was black and brig-ht; 

He opened up his only eye, 

When the sun was in the sky. 

Slowly rose up out of bed, 

Slowly rubbed, and scatched his head; 

Then he slipped into his clothes, 

Looking" tired and morose. 

Day by day his money went. 

Yet he seemed the while content; 

Seeming- in the best of cheer. 

Drinking whiskey, drinking beer; 



Poems Anecdotes and Stories. 43 

At last his sk\v became o'er cast, 
His little money couldn't last. 
Lost ing-aming-, treating- friends, 
Lost in little odds and ends, 
Lending- money to his chums, 
Hang-ing- 'round the lowest slums. 

At last came on the final stroke. 

And he to his misfortune woke. 

When he drew his final check. 

Then went down a total wreck; 

Lastly sank in dread despair. 

Sick in bed in Sallie's care; 

Broke in spirit, friendless he, 

l/ooking- in eternity. 

For days and weeks, g-rew short his breath, 

And then sank motionless in death. 

Let all young- men a warning- take. 
And shun the bite of the copper snake; 
Or if you want to steer on clear, 
Shun the bland smiles of LAGER BEER. 



44 Poems Anecdotes and Stories. 



GOOD BOOKS. 

Good books are worth their weig-ht in g^olci, 
The paths the authors make so plain, 

Will help to shape up and to mould 
The heart, and stimulate the brain, 

To nobler life, and point the way 

Where reig-ns in bliss eternal day. 

If but one thoug-ht is made to gn'ow, 
And change our course to better life, 

'Tis better far that truth to know, 
In g"oing- throug-h this world of strife. 

'Tis little thing's that make the whole; 

'Tis noble truths that shape the soul. 

A mote implanted in the eye. 

May cause for years unceasing- pain; 

A g-lorious thoug-ht with motives high, 
Ma}^ make an error very plain. 

That thought may lead and plainly show, 

A noble life the wav to go. 



PoKMs Axi-;CDoTi':s AND S:oKii':s. 45 



THOUGHTS. 

Thouo-hts are rushiiiiJ- throug'h 
my mind, 
To and fro and ev'ry where; 

Seldom are they of a kind, 

Moving- upward throug-h the air, 
Shooting- out to distant isles. 
Flashing- out to earthen piles. 
Mountain ran;4es mounting- 
high. 
Bathing- in the sun-lit sky. 

Then thev ride the milky-way. 
Onward, wand'ring- o u t 
through space. 

Following- a meteor g'ay, - 

Streaking- up l)lue heaven's face. 
Straining- on a distant chase. 
Farther in their lonely race. 
Following- a long tailed star, 
D<)uhlin<>- distances bv far. 



46 PoKMS Anecdotics and Stokies. 



Diamond minds in g-ollea sats, 

Focus thoug-hts to flowers rare, 
Set in poetry, SWEP:T PETS, 
Loved and cherished every- 
where; 
Sparklinw- like the morning- 
dew, 
Bring"ing out in pkiin review, 
Lighting up our mysteries, 
Hidden truths ot lands and seas. 

Burnished thoug-hts from g-ilded 
minds. 
Dress and beautifythe world — 
Unfurl their hidden thing-s, their 

finds, 
Then their new banners are 

unfurled. 
From mysteries to thing-s in 

view. 
The old is chang-ing- to the new; 
From the g-reat depths of 

human thoug-ht. 
Great seeming- miracles are 

wrt)Ug"ht. 



POKMS AnIXDOTES AND Si oi<ii>:.s. 



We pass the centers marked 

w ith \va'% 
The world u-ocs on and studies 

hard; 
The pen moves on in learned lore, 
Is moved to action ev'ry bard; 
The masses follow, are 

sincere. 
The tJ^rander truths they more 

revere; 
New sentiments of warp and 

woof 
Stand boldly out aV)ove reproof. 

A mind is but a litttle mite. 

Now in the miij;hty world of 

m i n d ; 
The weig-ht is on the side of riufht, 
Althoug-h there's power with 

the blind; 
Yet the incline is t)n and up. 
The time is near when we will 

sup. 
Another hi^-her, nobler bowl. 
To satisfy the heart and soul. 



48 



PoicMS Amkcdotks and Stohies. 



Throug-h I'riction transforma- 
tion's wrought, 
By pioneers thougii very few; 
A thoug-ht reveals another 
thought; 
Ah! Is there anything- that's 

new? 
Followers from far and near, 
Gather when the way is clear; 
Multitudes take up the shout. 
When is blazed the new laid 
route. 

Soon \vewMll have a higher plane, 
Other spheres will then be ours; 

Trains of thoug-ht more hig-h and 
sane, 
Nearer to the hig-her powers; 
Then will be an era g-reat. 
Softening- the laws of state; 
Nations then will nearer live. 
Be forg-iven, and forg-ive. 




POKMS AnKCDOTKS AND SlUKll'.S. 49 



THE HOG STORY. 



A prosperous farmer by the name of William 
Duncan, in Franklin Co., Illinois, in the year 1894, 
had a a larg-e number of hogs, and failed to raise 
a good crop of corn. He offered to let them out to 
fatten on the shares. The bottom farmers near by 
early in the fall accepted his offer, and took them 
home in parcel-;. 

Later when he had but a few left, Gabe Durban, a 
trifling-, g-ood for nothing fellow, who lived about 
four miles away, went over to Mr. Duncan's and 
told him he had understood that he was letting out 
hogs on shares. 

"Yes," said Mr. Duncan. "I have a few left; 
There are two you can have, (pointing) nearly the 
the same size; when you kill, bring me either, and 
I will be satisfied. I will leave it all to you. 

"That's a deal," 4d Durban, I am to be the 
judge, and when I think' they will do to kill, you 
will get vour hog;" and home he went. 

The next morning he made a fire, heated water, 
butchered and took Mr. Duncan his hog, which was 
accepted with a curious smile. 



50 PoJCMS AnkcdotEvS and Stokiks. 



LIEUT, s. A. Mcknight. 



(Tliis poem was writlen in moinory of Lieutenant S. A- 
McKnight, of the Dtli III , wiio ums run over and tci'.led uy 
a train of cars Feb. '28. IS!)!), in Cuba, near Havana.) 

Sleepinof 'neath a little mound, 

Sleeping- 'neath the cold, cold o-round; 

Shut up in a darksome grave. 

He cannot hear the waters lave — 

He cannot hear the the wild birds sing-, 
That move about on wanton wing-. 

Ah! just a little while ag-o 

He saw the pretty ca'-pet snow; 

He saw the pretty flowers sweet. 
Bending- in zephyrs at iqis feet; 

He heard the lovely mocking--])ird 

Sing- sweetest song-s that man e'er heard. 

He went forth at his countrv's call; 
He left his friends, vet ihat's not all — 



PoicMs Ani-:cdotics AND Srov'iios. 



He l^'ft his other sweeter ties 

To serve 'neath warmer tropic skvs; 
He took a noble, (lod-lilce stand 

To serve his own, his native land. 

He went out with the true, the brave, 
But now he sleeps in a cold g'rave; 

No more to hear the bugle sound, 
No more to <4<ion nit^htlv round; 

No more to hear his reg-iment's band 
Play pieces of his native land. 

Now rest in peace, brave nol>le boy. 
Where storms of life will not annoy — 

When the the celestial morning brake, 
Than only will yo.i surely wake; ' 

Join hands with comrades gone before. 
Sing sweeter praises evermore. 




52 Poems AjjiiCDoiKs and Stories. 



DIG YOUR OWN POTATOES. 

Down in Pope county lives Jerry Goudy, a close- 
fisted follow, who owns a lai'g^e farm. Peter Bunch 
lives near by in a cabin. 

Goudy met Peter, and hired him to dig^ potatoes. 
The deal was closed, and no limit to the time Peter 
was to work. Two bushels of potatoes was agreed 
upon for a day's earning-s. 

Peter went over to Mr. Goudy 's potato patch, 
worked hard all day, and only dug a bushel; he put 
them in a baO and started home; he stopped at'Mr. 
Goudy's residence, and left word vvith the landlady 
for Mr. Goudy to dig the other bushel due him^ 
and bring them over at his earliest convenience. 



DREAMING 



It was a custom among the indians and the 
white people in Michigan a longtime a go, who 



PoFiMs Ani'Xdo'i i:s Axn S'lrivMis. 



lived neig-hbfirstohumor their inclinations todream. 
If a yankee woman dreamed that an Indian woman 
g-ave her a ham of venison, she went over and told 
her, and jj^ot the ham; and if an Indian woman 
dreamed that a white woman g-ave her a pound of 
coffee, she went over, related her dream, and took the 
coffee home. And many other things were passed 
by thecurrency then in use(dreams. ) The dreaming- 
went along among the women for quite jiwhile, then 
the men went to dreaming, and almost every day 
commodities exchangfed hands, on dreams. 

The old chief who owned bOOO acres of tine land 
had a dream, and related it to a farmer with a 
drove (*f fine horses. 

"Sir," said he, "I dreamed vou g^ave me vour 
finest horse." 

'"Alright," said the white man, "go and get Bar- 
ne}'; he is my best, and worth $500, in spot cash. 

The chief was well pleased, and took Barney 
home with him. IMie white man had a dream that 
night, and went over and relatetd it to the chief. 

"Noble chief, I dreamed last night that you gave 
me a thousand acres of your best land." 

"Huh! huh!- huh!" grunted the chief, "you shall 
have it; but it must be understood from now on 
that there is to be no more dreaming." 



Poems Anecdotes and Stories. 

BRitlSH-BOER WAR. 

Mig'hty Britain's out for conquest, 
Sailing- now for Afric's shores, 
A covetous and anxious moving- 
To take the property of Boers. 

Blest Republic s richandthriving-, 

Standing out away from sea; 
Moving- to a hig-her station, 
Prosperous to hig"h degree. 

Shame! Oh shame! Oh mighty 
Britain! 

Stooping" down to bring* distresis 
To a baby people striving-, 

Better fondle and caress. 

It pains our hearts to see your 
poets, - 

Blustering- with brag- and boast; 
Ah! we see a diamond shining*, 

'Way down on old Afric's coast. 

Kipling-'s keeping- up his wailing. 
Shaking- up old earth and sky; 

Swinburn's in a ghost-dance 
sailing. 
In an overladen crv. 



POKMS AnICCDOTKS AND StORIKS. 

Your y)oet laureaters boiling", 
O'er with ditties, song- and 
verse; 
"Kill the Boe; si" (a I'reeborn 
people,) 
"Stamp upon .their heads a 
curse." 

The root of all is gold and dia- 
monds; 
God blest old Afric's sunny 
land. 
'Tis easy to do right and settle, 
Little wrongs with heart and 
hand. 

Oh I 'tis appauling, seas of crim- 
son, 
Anglo-Saxon blood will How; 
"What for? What for?" the world 
is asking; 
They will reap that which they 
sow. 



Nothing- better was expected. 

In the ages long- ago; 
Can we bow and ponder, seeing 

Deepest sorrow, darkest woe? 

lore* 



5f> PoicMs Anfcdotks and Stories. 



Noble Britain's lost lier balance, 

(riven o'er to g-old and stones 
Drawing- wealth from other na- 
tions, 
Breaking- free lands, building" 
thrones. 

Overbalanced now with conquest. 
Lost her mighty balance-wheel; 

Like a drunkard in first stag^es. 
Starting- out to prate and reel. 

Pioneer, Oh! Ang-lo-Saxon; 

Brig^htest lights of agfes past! 
Go back to the old foundation; 

Or your prog-ress cannot last. 

Only think of \vhat you're doing-, 

Desolating- homes and" states, 
Or (rod, the mighty king of Heav- 
en, 
Will destroy your armored 
^ates. 

Go back to 3'our moral balance. 
Covered up with massive wealth. 

Then, and not till then, you'll 
anchor, 
Safely on the shores of health; 

Health as fitted .for a nation, 

When cong-estion disappears; 
Wealth to fill the world with 
g-ladness. 
Health and wealth t<> dry up 
tears. 



•.Unbex.. 



PAGE. 
Call of the Muse 1 

Answer of the Muse 2 

The Cyclone ^ 

The Arkansaw Sow ^ 

Farewell ^^ 

The Prince of Bugs 18 

Farm Home 20 

Short3-'s Story of His Wedding Tour 24 

The Hermit 28 

The Fairy Weddin«,f 30 

A Talk With Uncle Sam 33 

The Honeymoon 36 

The Leanly Family 38 

The Eavesdropper 41 

Peter Haj^le 42 

Good Books 44 

Thoughts 45 

The Hog Story 49 

Lieut. S. A. McKnight 50 

Dig^ Your Own Potatoes 52 

Dreaming ^^ 

British-Boer War 54 



mmZl.^'^ss i 





015 S9TS'lh 



